Letting go, Moving on.

Four words simply to the route for happiness and contentment, yet it actually demands so much courage and strength to actually do it. Just one of those rare days I share a part of what goes on in my mind.

"I guess everyone, even the closest ones, will eventually find someone better and have you realise you're the only one not moving on yet."

Was talking to a friend about the trust issues I developed with people over all these years. And then I see one of friend that used to be so dear to me posting this photo on Instagram her with another close mutual friend, this just hits me so hard and it got me thinking so much. Happened thrice in secondary school and once here since I stepped into tertiary education, to the point I doubt myself sometimes if the problem actually lies with me that my friendships don't work out.

Feels like I've put in so much effort and devoted all my heart into maintaining a relationship but it then suddenly dissolved into nothing. Then when I realised what I held on to eventually was as void as air, I get so crushed inside, over and over again. And it bothers me because it happens with people whom when I hang out with, my thoughts of them goes "oh my gosh! I do/like it too!" or "How can we click so well" and "Where have you been my whole life man?!" But now we're reduced to obligated smiles of acknowledgement when we walk pass each other or obligated meet ups.

I fall and stumble, time after time, that I've grown to be weary of this cycle and afraid of forming new friendships that makes me want to give my all for it. I have slowly developed this mentality that "you are going to leave me eventually right?" that I've stopped fully devoting myself into the friendships I have now. No, it's different from good friends. I'm talking about close friends who are near and dear to the heart where you can have deep conversation with any time with the confidence in the friend that everything we would be to each other is mutual. It is difficult for me to share my real thoughts with my friends now that I just swallow everything myself, because I don't know who can I share with. I don't want to go through another cycle whereby when I finally get emotionally attached to you, you leave suddenly.

Can't help but still feeling sore, sad and nostalgic when I think about what we used to be and what happened to us, even though we tried to make things better. But it seems that things cant go back to how it was like before. All those deep conversations and little actions of love. It just feels so distant between us that it feels awkward to even start some where. I can't deny it's painful for me to see you being able to maintain such close ties with other mutual friends yet ours remain fruitless and barren.

Hope it's nice where you are at. Just once in awhile, I'd scroll through your social media accounts to see if you've been living life well, if you've been taking steps to march forward to your dreams, if you've been happy at all. Despite this unspoken of barrier between us, but I still love you and cherish all that we shared while we were still close. In all melancholiness, it is regretful we can't be the friend we thought we could be to each other but I don't think it is anyone's fault. It is only life when things don't go the way we planned it to.

You seem to have moved on with life, I don't know about myself. But I guess I would say I've pretty much gotten over this matter but it still pricks me once in awhile because you still mean a lot to me, and I still care.

Maybe one day we'll meet again, when we're different people. Maybe then we'll be better for each other.

Seul le temps nous le dira.