Many of you know that I've taken over my granddad's room after he passed away. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep and I don't imagine scenarios or over-think things that seem can kill me, I'll think of him. I'll imagine how an old, blind man who knew that his dementia was getting worse, lived the remaining lives of his days in his room. Most of the time alone, mainly because the rest of the adults are out working or mummy's busy with the house and of course, brother and I are out at school. Was he lonely? I definitely think he was. I picture the scene, the last few lonely months that he walked, almost bed-ridden, lost almost all his motor skills, the only thing he could do was to lie on the bed. Did he sigh a lot? I think he did. The grandchildren that he cared and loved the most didn't talk to him a lot and they used excuses like school to brush him aside.
I still remembered how this loving grandfather, who could still independently walk around the house with his white cane, would climb up from the second to the third floor to sit at the steps of the stairs to wait for his granddaughter when she was afraid of being alone on the top floor of the house and patiently wait for her to finish bathing. Sometimes, he would sit there till he doze off because she took too long. And times when she was afraid of being the only one on the floor when she wanted to play the computer, she called him up to sit there too to accompany her. So she could play. One hour, two hours, maybe even for three. He sat at those steps. Waited, while she played. And then coming back to think of how when she have grown up a little, she almost forgot the love he showered so richly on her.
Tears just streamed down that night when I thought about all these. Said a little prayer, thanking the Lord how He was so merciful on taking him home at the time when his systems started to break down one by one.
I'm honestly rather burdened about how almost each and ever action or speech by me seems to affect the super sensitive you. Can't we just be how we are to each other like how we are to our other friends?
Stayed back for night study. The last and final night study for the seniors. A little feeling of unbearness and a tinge of sadness. Zexuan finally stayed back for night study! I really think she and regine are like super cute xD that's if only you know them. And you'll know that they're super duper funny and cute people.
4P bio students gathered around mdm soh for some story talking sessions. And yet I managed to learn some bio content. Amazing yeah. And then huiru and I gradually got bored cause no one was asking mdm soh any bio questions. So we went off to sit a circle table all to ourselves. Taught her some techniques I use to remember my chem stuffs. Oh yeah, had an interesting talk before dinner too. We're opening up xD
Was soooooo tired when I got home that I asked mummy if she could blow my hair for me xD and she later noticed how long my hair was and asked me to chop it off tomorrow afternoon. LOLOL.
It's been quite a tough period this whole while for me. Even after getting back my chinese results. Tears flowed down when I received it. A bit disappointed. But then when I went home, I was actually glad that I've got an A. A distinction. Although it wasn't of the highest. But still thankful enough to feel a small gladness in my heart.
Super troubled over whether I should retake or not. And felt espeicallly reallyyyyyyy burdened yesterday because there was English O Orals the next day and I've got to make up my mind of I'm gonna retake the Chinese exams again or not. Yes I had been praying and reading God's word, but I still couldn't seem to know what was God's plan for me. I did pray to ask God help me accept whatever the results He wants to give me, but I don't know if it's His plan for me to accept this grade and move on or does He want to give me a second try and get an A1 for Him. So confused. Asked a close friends, people who were mainly good in their studies. And asked BFFL. I asked him last. Was really at lost. So I prayed and ask God to tell me his plans through the people that I was going to ask. BFFL said don't retake. And somehow his text kind of reassured me. So I decided I shouldn't retake.
Thank God oral was rather smooth today, although I think what I covered wasn't in depth enough. And my with my limited vocabulary I somehow tide through. Plus I think I stumbled the most among alllllllllllll my friends T.T OH WELL. IT'S ALL OVER AND DONE WITH. SHALL NOT THINK ABOUT IT.
Wanted to try doing some work today but I was so drained I decided to touch the computer and TADA. I HAVE NOT BATHED. HAHAHAHA. HORRIBLE. Like seriously. Have been watching this guy's videos.
Like other celebs that I like. DE EYES PEOPLE. And his soft and gentle but shap features. MUAHAHAH. TOTALLY CAN'T TELL THAT HE'S THE OLDEST OF THE GROUP RIGHT. DA LEADER. Thought he was one of the youngest. HAHAHAH.
100 econs mcq and 1 amath killer paper undone. Teehee. :P
Mixed feelings? At lost? Annoyed? Uneasy? I think I'm feeling all of those. Really feeling very lousy right now. People. People who think it's nothing. Keep adding to the scene. I'm so annoyed I feel like just untagging myself from those pictures. But then again, consequences, consequences. Who will I hurt again? Yet I'm afraid if this carries on, what will others think of me? Who will I stumble? I'm not ready to face anyone right now. Can I just hide in my hole or something?
Still deciding if I should retake my Chinese.
Spent my night watching episode twelve of Alice in wonder city and episode one of Miss panda and Mr hedgehog. Told myself I've got to get off the comp. Stomach started feeling uneasy. Have been feeling uneasy ever since in papa's car. Seems to me that I have selective motion sickness. I only feel uneasy and naeuous when I'm in papa's car after a long period of time.
Plan to finish up my maths paper and attempt some econs essays failed terribly. Not to mention that I've yet to read through some oral notes ever since dinner. Guilty max.
The sinking feeling of my heart. That's when I know I'm depressed.
Okay. This is gonna be as long as my 20% of phone battery can last me.
These few days, my tweets have just all been a false front. I'm almost dying inside. I'm so tired to handle all these. And yet I still have to make sure my friends don't worry about me because I really don't see the need for the worry. I'm drain. We both act like we're totally fine already. Yet from those smiles we give each other it only proves that we are still not fine with everything's that's happening. And yet there's actually nothing much we can do but to carry on with the pretense and hope that someday, with the aid of time, all these feelings will be diluted and we can finally return like how we used to r.
Recently yuanxing texted me randomly one day. And I asked him why he was so random. And he replied "cause very long never talk to you liao" heart melt. Sweet max. Thanks. :) And then we started talking more these few days in school. Yes. Time has made us all busy. But he remembered our friendship.
Bio is much more enjoyable after mdm soh had an (ultra mega bug life-changing; I assume.) enriching experience at costa rica. I'm being so honest here that her lessons are actually more effective. Plus sitting alone in bio has helped me to concentrate more. But recently jiashen keeps coming over during bio to share the tys with me. Oh well. Shall let him have his way since he is like almost my (academic) life coach. Teach me both maths and helps occasionally with chem and bio. LOLOL. OH AND CHUM. This is scary. How is he so good in alllllll his subjects.
Mummy thinks breakfast is important for me especially when prelims/Os are coming up. I need all the nutrients that I can get. No breakfast = stupid student. And it's true. Cause I'm eating breakfast now, my grades are improving. :P
Oh oh oh. Consulted mr fazlin today with gimbin today. When he saw the two of us, he was like "actually I no need see HuiEn what. I hear her every time." hahahhaha. Number one, he remembers me xD. Number two, he thinks I'm good. :D totally made my day. But fact is, I've been cramming on maths the since the start of the year I think my skills in picture discussion and conversation took a slight dip. That's... Sad. :( cause I'm always relying on oral to pull my English grades up :( Sigh.
Alright. Think I shall end here. Battery left with 17% xD
I. Seriously. Don't. Know. What to do with us. I know we're trying. But as much as we don't want to admit it, it'll never be the same as before. I know I've disappointed you over and over. And it seems I keep opening up the wound. Sometimes I ask myself if we should stop being friends. But then I can't bear to lose another friend like you. Sound like you feel like giving up.
Urgh. Whatever. I'll act like nothing happened and then if you really want me as a friend, then TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME and then accept me for who I really am and what I believe in.
Too many people joined twitter recently and it feels like a privacy invasion or something. People know you people don't know you all follow you. Privating an account is yet too troublesome for a lazy girl like me. I can only turn to blogger. My old friend. That has been there for me since p5. Ever since I even knew about twitter. :') As much as I don't want to admit it, I have to actually think twice before posting a personal comment; if it's too personal for people who actually don't know me personally to read about.
Plan to touch bio failed terribly today. Shall have an attempt number two tomorrow.
The main reason why you're supporting atheism is because you refuse to see the total depravity of man. You refuse to see how helpless you are, completely, without the help of a Saviour. One word: Pride. And it's true. Many things non-believer fail to see the reason behind the stand of a believer because these are things of the spiritual realm. And unless with faith and the Holy Spirit, you'd never be able to understand such depth.
To non-believers, these are restrictions, but to Christians, these are protection. Commands laid by God to protect his children, who are so prone to sin, from sinning. People may think I'm forced to. But no. I'm compelled by the love of God, to willingly take heed to His words, and do what is right, according in His sight.
All in all, I'm still thankful that you are not angry with me despite not willing to understand me and my beliefs.
But just to let you know, I've been praying for your salvation.
And in fact, salvation of all my close friends.
Today was a really long day. And a depressing one too. But I just thank God that He has sent me keepers to keep watch for me. And tell me when I'm doing things wrongly. It was really hard to tide through today.
"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?" Matthew 6:40
Spent 3 hours, from 12-3 just to decide if I wanted to stay for night study or go home chill. And the result was: to go home and chill.
Reached home and realised that Singapore lost to Japan during the women team TT SF. SO SAD MAX. Went to check the scores. Even sadder. 3-0. Sigh. Then realised there was a bronze medal match upcoming for Singapore. So oh well. Spent my whole night watching that.
WOOOOO. Another bronze medal. It's actually okay that we didn't get a silver for me. I mean, the athletes worked really really hard for this olympics. And then I go on the comp and I see so many neitizens complaining about how they disliked the idea that fengtianwei was the flag bearer for Singapore. And then they continued by expressing their discontentment about how Singapore has to get foreign talents in to get medals for them blah blah blah. And what made things really exaggerated was that there were quite a number of people who were actually disapproving to the whole matter cause she couldn't speak English. Sigh. I really think it's too much.
Oh well, at least my friends around me all respect her as much as I do. She's a really humble girl and she's really grateful to Singapore that we've given her a chance to show her capabilities. And the thing that touched me was that it was reported in the newspapers that she was under stress in the mentality that "Would my country blame me if I can't get a medal?" Really, how many foreign talents who despite being a Sinapore citizen would actually say these kind of words?
She's even thankful that she's able to sing our National Anthem during medal presentation in international competition.
Really. All my respect go out to her. And I really really like her :) She's inspirational too.
Ah yes. Another thing. After finish watching the bronze medal match, I was brousing through some random videos that appeared at the suggestion side. And somehow they all turned out to be Japanese clips. And so happen my mum passed by me as glanced at my screen. "How come recently you keep watching like Japanese things uh? Movie and drama also Japanese one." And it made me wonder and come to a sad conclusion..: I've ran out of good Taiwan and Korean dramas to watch already :( At first I ran out of good Taiwan dramas that I turned to Korean. Now I've ran out of both and I'm turning to Japanese. This is... kinda sad. I sound like an addict :( Oh no I'm not! I just insist on watching quality dramas okay :P
Oh well. Then I showed her an actor that I've recently been watching his dramas/movies.
SUPER. HANSOME. Reminds you of wuzun in some angles. Oh and some korean singer that I currently have lost the name of. Heheheh.
Another Jap that everyone around has been talking about for the past week. Literally the whole of the past week. Everyone agrees he's a pretty boy ^^ Jealous people says he went of a nose operation :P Seriously. Jealous people. :P HEHEHHEHE. Chill. Okay.
BUTTTT. What made me the most fascinated about taking a small like to these two guys is that, MUMMY ACTUALLY AGREED THAT THE TOP ABOVE ARE LIKE SUPER HANDSOME. And when I said handsome right?? Mummy was like um. It's super rare for both of us to percieve the same view on appearance can! :P HEHEHEHEHE. I'm like high nao.
Seriously. Cause she didn't agree that luozhixiang was handsome. Neither did she agree that donghae was handsome. Nor wangzi. Although we did agree that kyuhyun was sort of good looking :P Nah. She only has her kimhyunjoong, jerry yan and KIMRYEOWOOK. The rest she all say no good. Well mainly she like the first two cause she LOVEEEEED their dramas and the last one cause she thinks he can sing very well.
This guy. This guy. I've taken a new liking for this guy.
But whatever the case. I will never forget this guy. :)
Okay. I should stop uploading anymore photos. Later aunties come deesiao me why I keep looking at guys. LOLOL YOU YOURSELF ALSO LOOK AT GIRLS WHAT :P LIKE SICA. HAHAHAHAHA.
LOLOL. Maybe only you know who I'm referring to.
WHATEVER. Used up a lot of energy while eating. #lazyfatpig
Monday. The typical most messed up morning of the week. Usually. Waking up on a Monday morning and then regretting why didn't I sleep earlier the day before. It has always been this case. Oh wellz.
But I had a pleasant surprise in the morning. Xinyi got me a small pack of strepsils with a little post-it note attached to it. Go to facebook for all you want. I'm tired enough. Shall not upload it here. Same clique, but I wouldn't say closest..? Heart melt in the morning already. Heheheheh.
Then at night study Jason bought me this liang teh that contained herbs that is supposed to jiang qi one. Think he just anyhow picked lor. But the drink contained xian gu cao and is supposed to help my sore throat/nasal blockage. Hehehehe. Tsk. Think he bought it cause I was showing off my strepsils to Diana and him. And he felt guilty or something. :P
Ended up going dinner with Yijie and Kokyi. Dabao-ed back to school and a mini party back at school. Then also ended up sitting with Jason Mervin Kokyi and Gimbin. Then slowly Yijie joined, Jiashen joined, Jonghan joined, Lewis joined, Faris joined. And Mervin decided to sit another tableo complete his chum first. And then the whole table was just people from 4P. Hahahah sort of. Awesome :P And Jason was a complete odd-head sticking out because he was the only person taking physics. Super. Sort of. Cool :P
But was the only girl again. Maybe my girl friends just don't like me more than my guy friends? HAHAHAH. Jk. My girl friends are all people who are more productive at home. I'm more productive at school. Love the school environment. I produce better quality work at school to. Home is just too... Relaxed for me. The only quality work I can produce at home is MATHS. HAHAHAHA. Oh well. I just make sure I don't do this often so people won't mistake me for a... idk what la.
Oh yeah, lips chapped when I was laughing with Diana and Jiashen. Sigh. Maybe it's time to bring out my lip balm? But I dislike using lip balm in non-cold countries. Like Singapore. It just feels... weird. LOLOL. Sigh.
And maybe I should stop complaining about how I don't feel cared for enough by my closest friends. There are many others around me that I don't seem to notice but prioritise me too. And they've shown it today. Jiashen was really sweet during night study today too.
Things have changed. Not only ever since the start of the year. But it has been constantly changing. And since these few weeks too. But I won't bother myself too much. Just take in whatever's given to me and reciprocate it to those who bother to give in so much for me. Just as it is. And give without expecting for a return. It'll make me a happier person, because if I expect a return, I may disappoint myself sometimes.
Wrote like 238547 econs + chum essays. Whole stretch of right arm aching. No kidding and not exaggerating. Gonna paste some patch thing to relieve pain.
Very first feeling I felt in the morning: already burnt out for the week. And that includes Saturday and Sunday.
Thank God for sustenance to tide through today. Was really feeling really terrible in the morning. Like super worn out and a lot of homework not done. Should have prayed. But I didn't. Sigh. I have not been praying as much as I ought to.
Woke up with a really low voice. But it became higher instantly when I reached school. Felt dizzy after PE. Head pounding.
Anyway. My body system breaking down one by one. Blocked nose. Runny nose. Blood vessels near eyes bursting. Lips chapped. Muscle ache. Dry throat. Coughing three lungs out.
Left eye twitching.
What else?
I'm totally reliving my June days just that I'm slightly better since I still have my voice.
Wanted to stay for night study today. But I didn't. I went home. Cause I couldn't find anyone to stay back with. I mean. Yeah I can study alone. But what about dinner? Continue fasting? Only a piece of bread for breakfast and pau for recess. No lunch.
People tell me to JUST STAY BACK. Yeah. Try being alone and JUST STAY BACK. Zero friends at all. It's easier when you just say it. Really. And then some tell me to study with the guys. You don't say. If I could I would have right. It's just inappropriate for 1 girl to be surrounded constantly by 1000 guys. Even though we're just really plainly good friends. I mean really, I know there's nothing wrong since we're all friends. But if you don't want people to think otherwise, sometimes you should just avoid those scenes. Maybe I'm useless at maintaining girl-girl friendships recently. And then suddenly I just made a lot of good guy friends. And we all behave like how we would. If you're closer, you'd spend more time with each other. You're not close, then you won't. So people see me as "constantly hanging around guys" rather than girls. But it's not true. We just happened to be around each other.
Whatever. I don't really bother explaining anymore anyway. Cause it's my last year in school and I shouldn't bother myself with such issues.
Next year. New school. New friends. New life. While I remember those who actually cared.
Seriously need to find a night study buddy so that I can stay back with (most preferably) her. So that I will stay in school instead of going home. I'm always productive at night study. Always. At home, it's hard to gauge. It's inconsistent. If my parents presses me to do work while I'm relaxing (drama duh). All the more I won't do my work even though I've already placed in my mind I will do work once I've finished watching my drama. Like, you don't say? -.- And then I'm unproductive again. And the cycle goes. I do more work the next day, I sleep lessened and lesser, the whole week is screwed.
