Indeed, I can safely say that 2014 has been the most emotional year for me yet.
Started out the year on a good note I would say. The customary birthday wishes accompanied with the well wishes for the year.
Things was getting a little tough in school when disagreements, backstabbing and basically just any bad things that could turn a relationship sour happened with all the projects going on. Everyone was so tensed. Hey you hardly contributed to the project! Hey you are always MIA-ing on us! Hey can you at least try to ask where can you help? Hey you could have ... ... ... Even though they were smiling and kindly declined any help you offered, yet behind your backs they go "Walao this person never do anything at all."
But I was still alright, coping and surviving in my own little way.
And then there came the end of my 1st academic year in my polytechnic education. Maybe I was starting to get complacent with my results so far in the first 3 terms of the year, that my results wasn't as good as I expected. Was hoping for an A for my macroecons but got a B+ instead. But despite that, I got a sem GPA that was higher than my previous sem, so I was able to pull up my cumulative GPA by a bit. It was as though the Lord was telling me that even though I could study enough to pass, but I still have to rely on His strength if I want to glorify His name through my studies.
Disappointed, but contented. So I moved on to my end semester holidays.
Got selected to be the GL for SPSU's FOC for the freshies of 14/15. So I heard it was the most coveted role as a then freshie? Because out of the 40-50+ helpers, only 12 will be selected. And if you attended last year's FOC, it is only out of 6 because the other 6 slots will be left for those who didn't attend FOC.
I would say that being a part of FOC as a GL, or even as a helper, was really a (poly)life changing experience. All those tough trainings that we had to endure, and through all those, we made friends with new people, and even become closer than we were before with friends prior to the trainings.
Had to busily prepare for the Freshmen Orientation Weekend Activities, which the year 1 standing comm had the privilege in organising the entire camp themselves. So this was the first time ever that I was handling finance for a camp. Was in charge of food too. It was a fun experience, but it was there where it came strongly to me that, some people can be really good friends, but you just can't work together with them at all.
Then finally, there came the stepping up day. Stepping up to the executive committee in the Students' Union and also in the Student Council. Not forgetting, stepping up as the next tier of leaders in ACER. All coveted roles, and there I find there were so many that actually wanted those positions more than me, yet I was given those roles. Privileges after privileges, but really, there was more responsibilities to be taken up.
This was probably the first time in my entire life that I got to hold on to so many big leadership roles, that I would never have dreamt of just because I had never really gotten much favour from teachers who would usually hand pick their little leaders.
But the roughest patch of my education had definitely got to be this, that for the first time in my life schooling, I was all alone in class. The only friend I had in class was going to transfer to another course because she couldn't cope with the demands of our current course and so she decided to transfer to a course that suited her better. It was as though in that instant I found out, my little sky came crashing down. Who to sit with during lectures? Who to sit with in class? Who to eat with during breaks? Who to walk to the MRT with after lessons ended?
"I's okay. I'll be fine. I can be totally cool even if I'm by myself", the comforting lies I told myself, as I started to isolate myself from my class. I sat alone, most commonly at the first or the last rows during tutorials. I didn't want to intrude any cliques anyway, since their numbers were so perfectly even. I skipped as much lectures as I could. And was thankful that I needed to go back to the clubroom almost every school day because there were so many things that my club members needed me to settle.
So allow me to quote Matthew here "To the ones who doubted and mocked us. The ones who sneered at our dreams, scoffed at our ambitions, bitched or backstabbed us... thank you... for helping us realise reality and the ugly side of humanity. It's also because of you that I'm that bit more determined to be better; to celebrate the little milestones along the way and appreciate another kind of person even more - the ones who extend a gracious, genuine hand."
It was towards the end of the term where suddenly, this particular classmate decided to sit with me, away from his clique. And he started to probe and question me many kinds of why. He gave the wall that I built up in front of my class a little crack. And before I knew it, now he is one of my closest friend in class that I can actually share a lot freely with. And he always assures me that he has my back, especially when things in class got really ugly in the second term. In times where I really wanted to just give up when I realised that people just slander you just because they don't like you and even try to sow discord with your other good friends, bringing you down, but you always, always never fail to believe in me and what I did. And for that, for not giving up on me even though many times I tried to build a wall and keep you out, I just thank you for always willing to be there for me.
So let me just say that term 2 was the most emotional period of the year. It was tough, it was rough, and it was harsh. I still remember that I was so sick during the revision week before the exam week. I was coughing so badly, occasional fever on and off, and a never ending free flow of mucus. I couldn't even study properly. I even had to sit some paper with a slight fever. It was really a test of faith and I really had no way but to only put all my trust in God, that He will see me through.
I can still recall how I was so worried about my Human Resource Management module. I scored my first ever D in poly with a just-pass 51 during the Mid Sem Test. And even though the comfort was that it was only 10% in weightage, but the fear was that, it was only 10% and I got a D, I have no idea what to expect for a 50% weightage paper. But God has been faithful to see me through all my paper and guess what? He gave me my first ever perfect 4.0 in poly! And that earned me the Top 16 title in my whole cohort for that semester, and placed me in the School's Honour Roll.
So many first times just in 2014 itself.
Went for my first ever Overseas CIP and it was really a humbling experience, with many friendships forged. Here for my reflection that was featured on the school's DSD (or now known as DSA) Facebook page.
First time participating in a photo shoot for the school. Special mention and thanks to Jamie Chen (ey look, I specially bolded your name for you) for agreeing without hesitation to help me plan out what to wear for the shoot.
Then I was contacted to do an interview to be featured in the January issue of Teenage. Special thanks to Daniel for helping me vet through my words.
And then since yesterday, I've got a flood of messages and pictures from my friends saying they saw me in a pillar in school and on the brochure for business school.
I can't deny that I was quite excited when I was contacted to do all these, just because it was my first time and really, not many people get a chance to do all these, right? It was a refreshing and fun experience to have done all these, and having met new (and really good looking) friends through the photo shoot. While I see people's eyes of envy, some were really supportive of me doing all these, but I believe that there were some others who thought that I wasn't worthy to be doing all these. And while people are starting to look at me in a different light, let me just take a moment to thank all my friends who have helped me to where I am today, that I have not forgotten you and where I am today, you have played a big part in it. Never one moment where I have not been appreciative of what you all have done for me.
I honestly thought that it was just going to be a small picture of me hanging at some deserted place in the school. But really, to be featured in all these avenues, I really don't exactly know what to say. While I know that Valerie was in charge of all these, some told me that Michelle had a part in recommending me. Whatever the case, thank you, both Valerie and Michelle in giving me this once in a lifetime opportunity and experience for something for me to look back in the future and smile at this.
Looking back, 2014 was just too packed, too rushed and too jammed. One thing after another. And I am not exaggerating when I say I actually have all the weeks of my upcoming holidays already packed with school related things going on, just within the first two weeks when school had just reopened.
One of the more depressing moments that I faced, other than those alone times in classes, was one when I realised that it was time to move on from this friendship that wasn't working out anymore. I can't deny that a lot of what I have today, this friend had played a huge role in helping me up, but it was just somehow things didn't work out between us anymore. We can't agree with each other anymore. We don't like the ways each of us handle things.
And while I was depressed of this failing friendship, it came to me that many a times, it is actually not that the person has changed that you start to dislike them, but more often, it is just that you start to discover more of them that you dislike.
"To the ones who left us; the ones who've passed on or we’ve drifted away from. Nothing really lasts forever.. everything has it’s reason and time.. with you and I, we probably reached our chapter’s end. But even though we can’t or may never talk again.. thank you for the moments during our time together. Because it may never happen again, but we both know that what we had was real and it shall always be honoured in memory."
The biggest regret of the year would most probably be that I was really inactive in church activities and did not get to experience much sweet fellowship with likeminded brethren. Many times when I finally find myself back in YF again, I hear so many people saying to me "Wa, I haven't seen you in a very long time." So much so to a point when it started to annoy me, and really, guilt trip me. But I was still annoyed. Yes I know I know, I haven't seen you for a long time either. And so much so inactive that even those who joined YF during the period of the year sees me at year end gatherings/camp, even they thought that I was a newcomer.
This inactivity also made many people think that I have forgotten all about the Lord to go and pursue worldly things. So I was perceived as this "backslidden Christian" to many. Well, I wouldn't blame them. I would have thought so about myself too if I were to see someone like me behaving like this too. And hence the many subtle rebukes coming from friends about how I should be going back to YF and all. Honestly, while I hope that their intentions were well and good, I can't help but be annoyed at their "holier than thou" tone that they have while putting across their messages. So much till I just became too lazy to explain my situation to them and just let it be. So note to my future self when I need to rebuke others, let me do it with a humble heart, but before that, let me take time to pray for wisdom for words.
Even though it isn't necessary and definitely for you to get good marks when you put God first in studying, but God has really blessed me with good results when I decided to place all my trust in him while studying, and taking the test. That He will give me nothing but the best to me and I just need to do my best, because he will deliver the rest.
I am just glad that even though I have been missing out a lot in fellowship, but the Lord has given me tests and trials for my faith in Him. Second year is just really terrible and I recall I was looking forward to the end of the second year just even in the 2nd week when the AY of 14/15 just started, and even now, I still am. I was still thinking about how do I survive my second year alone in class at the start of the year. But God always provides and so what if I didn't have any friends in my class that I could go to help? Thankful for Kokpin who has helped me with every single question that I had with regards to academics. A fellow commonwealthian that I only got to know as a friend only after we started the second sem. Need no bunch of clique when I can ask the top student of the cohort if I didn't understand anything.
There were many more academic excellence (not that they were fantastic, but good enough to not be ashamed of) that the Lord has given me. And they were able to make my parent a little more proud of my achievements. And I thank the Lord for that.
"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ." —Colossians 3:23-24
2014. A rocky road. A painful journey. But God has been very good to me.
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