We're all lost souls, not knowing what's the best for us.

Many of you know that I've taken over my granddad's room after he passed away. Sometimes at night when I can't sleep and I don't imagine scenarios or over-think things that seem can kill me, I'll think of him. I'll imagine how an old, blind man who knew that his dementia was getting worse, lived the remaining lives of his days in his room. Most of the time alone, mainly because the rest of the adults are out working or mummy's busy with the house and of course, brother and I are out at school. Was he lonely? I definitely think he was. I picture the scene, the last few lonely months that he walked, almost bed-ridden, lost almost all his motor skills, the only thing he could do was to lie on the bed. Did he sigh a lot? I think he did. The grandchildren that he cared and loved the most didn't talk to him a lot and they used excuses like school to brush him aside.

I still remembered how this loving grandfather, who could still independently walk around the house with his white cane, would climb up from the second to the third floor to sit at the steps of the stairs to wait for his granddaughter when she was afraid of being alone on the top floor of the house and patiently wait for her to finish bathing. Sometimes, he would sit there till he doze off because she took too long. And times when she was afraid of being the only one on the floor when she wanted to play the computer, she called him up to sit there too to accompany her. So she could play. One hour, two hours, maybe even for three. He sat at those steps. Waited, while she played. And then coming back to think of how when she have grown up a little, she almost forgot the love he showered so richly on her.

Tears just streamed down that night when I thought about all these. Said a little prayer, thanking the Lord how He was so merciful on taking him home at the time when his systems started to break down one by one.



“大海总是包容我们多变不定的心思。虽然无法真正带走什么，却用最委婉的细浪冲淡我们的愁。” ——月老

The other side of you.

I'm honestly rather burdened about how almost each and ever action or speech by me seems to affect the super sensitive you. Can't we just be how we are to each other like how we are to our other friends?

Stayed back for night study. The last and final night study for the seniors. A little feeling of unbearness and a tinge of sadness. Zexuan finally stayed back for night study! I really think she and regine are like super cute xD that's if only you know them. And you'll know that they're super duper funny and cute people.

4P bio students gathered around mdm soh for some story talking sessions. And yet I managed to learn some bio content. Amazing yeah. And then huiru and I gradually got bored cause no one was asking mdm soh any bio questions. So we went off to sit a circle table all to ourselves. Taught her some techniques I use to remember my chem stuffs. Oh yeah, had an interesting talk before dinner too. We're opening up xD

Was soooooo tired when I got home that I asked mummy if she could blow my hair for me xD and she later noticed how long my hair was and asked me to chop it off tomorrow afternoon. LOLOL.

Okay is late. Goodnight sweeties.

Doushite?

It's been quite a tough period this whole while for me. Even after getting back my chinese results. Tears flowed down when I received it. A bit disappointed. But then when I went home, I was actually glad that I've got an A. A distinction. Although it wasn't of the highest. But still thankful enough to feel a small gladness in my heart.

Super troubled over whether I should retake or not. And felt espeicallly reallyyyyyyy burdened yesterday because there was English O Orals the next day and I've got to make up my mind of I'm gonna retake the Chinese exams again or not. Yes I had been praying and reading God's word, but I still couldn't seem to know what was God's plan for me. I did pray to ask God help me accept whatever the results He wants to give me, but I don't know if it's His plan for me to accept this grade and move on or does He want to give me a second try and get an A1 for Him. So confused. Asked a close friends, people who were mainly good in their studies. And asked BFFL. I asked him last. Was really at lost. So I prayed and ask God to tell me his plans through the people that I was going to ask. BFFL said don't retake. And somehow his text kind of reassured me. So I decided I shouldn't retake.

Thank God oral was rather smooth today, although I think what I covered wasn't in depth enough. And my with my limited vocabulary I somehow tide through. Plus I think I stumbled the most among alllllllllllll my friends T.T OH WELL. IT'S ALL OVER AND DONE WITH. SHALL NOT THINK ABOUT IT.

Wanted to try doing some work today but I was so drained I decided to touch the computer and TADA. I HAVE NOT BATHED. HAHAHAHA. HORRIBLE. Like seriously. Have been watching this guy's videos.

Like other celebs that I like. DE EYES PEOPLE. And his soft and gentle but shap features. MUAHAHAH. TOTALLY CAN'T TELL THAT HE'S THE OLDEST OF THE GROUP RIGHT. DA LEADER. Thought he was one of the youngest. HAHAHAH.

100 econs mcq and 1 amath killer paper undone. Teehee. :P

Jumbled up, intertwined, complicated.

Mixed feelings? At lost? Annoyed? Uneasy? I think I'm feeling all of those. Really feeling very lousy right now. People. People who think it's nothing. Keep adding to the scene. I'm so annoyed I feel like just untagging myself from those pictures. But then again, consequences, consequences. Who will I hurt again? Yet I'm afraid if this carries on, what will others think of me? Who will I stumble? I'm not ready to face anyone right now. Can I just hide in my hole or something?

Still deciding if I should retake my Chinese.

Spent my night watching episode twelve of Alice in wonder city and episode one of Miss panda and Mr hedgehog. Told myself I've got to get off the comp. Stomach started feeling uneasy. Have been feeling uneasy ever since in papa's car. Seems to me that I have selective motion sickness. I only feel uneasy and naeuous when I'm in papa's car after a long period of time.

Plan to finish up my maths paper and attempt some econs essays failed terribly. Not to mention that I've yet to read through some oral notes ever since dinner. Guilty max.

The sinking feeling of my heart. That's when I know I'm depressed.

너아무것도 모르겠어

TO THE BOTH OF YOU:

It's not like I don't want to right. You don't know too much to pass a casual remark.