Though I've been cheery

Just when I've decided to re-consecrate my life, start putting my life back together by starting regular QTs, then I was told that cause for the past half year attendance at YF was irregular so cannot renew membership. Path back to Christ just seems to be daunting. Punishment or time to think about my life. Feels as though a door is closed or as though I was denied. How can I not admit that it has affected me? Pride? And maybe a mix of fear as well. To lose my membership. Maybe it time to consider my use of time more seriously. Can't deny that I feel left out too. But oh well... at the end of the day I'm accountable to God rather than to man. And my journey back to Him plus to start growing again begins now.

Think I am a person who really doesn't think much on the surface. Not much thoughts to a lot of things that I do. But then there's still many things that goes on in my head and honestly you don't see me sharing my inner thoughts to people. I feel like cause I'm a really sensitive person and so when I'm upset, if I tell others about it, they'll brush it aside and go "aiya it's cause you're just sensitive" and sort of brush it off and then maybe leaving them the impression that I'm a really sensitive person so don't ever touch me emotionally. And then I'm afraid soon after they'll find me a burden and not wanna talk to me as how they usually do. Yep, being a burden to people, my greatest fear.

So as a result, I just sort of deal with my own feelings and emotions. Upset? Let time help me get over it. Swallow it. I don't really know how much or how serious it has to be so that I can share it with close friends and they'll think it's "normal". So in the end I just don't at all. And while I'm dealing with these stuffs on my own, I pretend like I'm fine. Maybe too fine. Do people take it for granted? Jokes they start making about me soon becomes more hurtful than funny. How serious must it be before I can consider it to be hurtful in normal people eyes? So I keep swallowing all these hurt while keep telling myself that they mean no harm and it was all for fun & laughter or they are still young and insensitive with their words. Sometimes although outwardly I smile, inwardly I struggle not to cry. But how can people be so insensitive? And they are just no more than 12 months younger. How can I convince myself that it was their ignorance due to age?

Maybe that's where the complexities of a teenager comes in. I am still figuring out myself now. But I feel as though I've never been so confused before. And it's as if the older I grow, the more my eyes open up to more things and finally so many things I finally realised, that I'm just an outsider.

These inner turmoil I've been going through recently.

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Dinned with Huimin Tim Weiern and brother today. So got a lift to jem and had a budget dinner at EAT. But the rest weren't satisfied cause they found the portion a little too small. But if it would make any sense, we went Sogurt after that and shared a MY BIG CUP SOGURT that cost $17+. But gone in awhile since 5 people were sharing it.

Awkward conversation at the table with Weiern while the rest went to get Sogurt. Brother said cause I was too young. Well maybe. Everyone there were technically above 20. But okay... dinner out today was a good idea cause it kind of cheered me up. And sort of witness Weiern's childish side when we were talking about Tim's new perms.

Things that made me genuinely laugh.

Maybe people who are more senior in age don't hurt. People who are more junior hurt. Sometimes.