Right. So what gave me this sudden urge and impulse to have this determination to finally
So before I change too much till I've forgotten so much what it was like to be a Sec Four again, I better type all my initial feelings then while I can still remember now.
With not much thoughts, I really hoped as a Sec Three, at the end of the year, that I could quickly enter Sec Four and experience what does it feel like to be preparing for a major exam that can pretty much have quite a significant impact on your future. Yes, there was fear, but yet the other half of my heart had this expectations of wanting to rely on God's strength through the upcoming trying year. Foolishness, naivety or pure faith. There were mixes of all.
Why was I asking for such trials in my life? I guess what I felt then was that I thought that I've not been having any trials in my life so far ever since I've accepted the Lord as my personal Saviour. I wanted to taste what it was like to be faced be trials and temptations yet relying on God's strength to say a proud NO to them. Maybe let's throw in a little thoughtless pride too, because I thought that I could have really stayed true and faithful always throughout the year to God.
However, I was very much proven wrong and somehow I thought that I had back slided quite a lot ever since I've stepped down from serving in the Teens Comm. And so many school problems cropped up. Friendship alone was probably one of the biggest obstacles I encountered. So much distrust, so much disappointment, so much heartaches, so much dramas. Then we came to studies. The many moments of stress and feelings of helplessness when you see how hard you've been working yet your results still doesn't show. And the thought that struck you: "If I'm even struggling to pass this test, what will happen to me for my Os?" Moment of horror and despair, if you would allow me to exaggerate only by a little bit.
The phrase that I saw myself using a lot during the whole of 2012 "You gain some, you lose some." You have to balance the equation. You can never be always gaining and not be losing any. 2012 was the year whereby I gained many many friends. Good friends, to be more specific. It's amusing when I realised that I've never really interacted with all these friends that I have gained in 2012 while I was in Sec Three. It could be because we changed seatings in Sec Four that our seatings were nearer to each other, having more opportunities to talk to one another. People like KaiYing, HuiRu and JiaShen. Really, looking back and asking how did we even become such good friends only at the last year of our secondary school studies baffles me. Especially Jiashen, because we were classmates for 3 whole years prior to Sec Four. And it wasn't until mid year that I have gotten closer to him.
But as mentioned, I gain, I lose. Even gaining such precious friends, I lose some precious friends too. May be it isn't so serious to say that I've completely lost them as friends, but I feel that we have walked away from each other further and further in the year 2012. Obviously I won't mention names cause such stuffs are ever so sensitive. But you could just feel the drift. Yes, we may go out once in awhile and all, but you know deep down that it doesn't feel the same as before already. But nonetheless, I do not love all these friends less. They're equally precious. Who knows, maybe one day when we cross paths again, we realise that the distance between us is not that far after all.
One of the more deeply impressed lessons that 2012 had taught me was Independence. I remember how I used to be so afraid of even walking alone along the walkways and corridors of the school because I just couldn't stand being alone. I just had to have someone to accompany. But then as time goes by living my Sec Four life, sometimes being left alone or even left out unintentionally I assume cause sometime my closer circle like to assume that I've got other closer friends to keep me company and I just get so tired to always chase behind their footsteps, I just don't bother anymore, after a having chasing after behind for so long. Life in Sec Four taught me how to sit by myself and do work, walk alone along the walkways and coridors, go to the canteen by myself, get some food and walk back alone to the class room. And as time goes by, I somehow quite enjoyed these times alone. I enjoyed doing work by my own and taking the bus ride home without a company. They give me time to think about my day.
So in the course of preparing for my O Levels, one of the most often questions that you have to face is that What are your goals result wise and Where is your goal further education plan wise. Two questions that I many a times avoid. Let's tackle the first question. What results do I want to achieve? All my life, I have been setting my brother as my example. I know I can't be on par with him, but I thought achieving slightly below him would be good. Then I saw seniors like Joshua Chan scoring a 7 raw (everything was A1 except an A2 for English.) Oh and pfft. Chinese, hahaha let's leave that out for all the seniors that I'm about to quote. Ian and Xinyuan getting a 9 raw too. Closer seniors they are. But I've seen all of them done it. Like A2 for English, or A1 for other subjects. THEY ALL DID IT. They all got their A1s. And then I look at myself. Can I too?
And as for the second question. I couldn't even give an answer whereby if I wanted to go to a jc or a poly. Much less naming a specific education institution. I was totally goalless. My only goal was to get the best results I could. I was honestly aiming for a raw 7 cause I've seen people doing it; it wasn't impossible. But I told myself that I would be happy with a raw single digit.
So the here's (above picture) my prelim results in black and with the motto of aiming for my best in orange. Stuck this on my wall so that whenever I lifted my head whenever while doing my work at my table, I would see this paper. And constantly remind myself of the goal I've set for myself and also never to get those horrible scores for the actual exam.
Having a 16 for prelims was considered really good in commonwealth I guessed cause firstly, commonwealth prelims are basically killer papers. And secondly, to get 16 means you get a study break! You don't have to go to school for 2 weeks. And I heard only less than 40 people of the cohort managed a 16 and below. Not everyone from the top two classes managed this score. So when people found out about my 16, their jaws basically dropped with envy.
But yet again, instead of feeling glad that I managed a 16, there was fear and uncertainty brewing in me. The root of these were that it wasn't a raw 16. It was a raw 18 net 16 that earned me my study break. This made me feeling like I wasn't deserving of a study break because I had to rely on my minus 2 to get a 16. And where can you go with a 16. Sure, many seniors said that you will never get what you have for your prelims for your Os. But you still can't help but imagine getting a score of that range.
This target list that Yijie wrote for me while we were hopelessly fretting about our Os during one of the night study. Kept this in my file (as seen in the background of the picture above). I don't know but this paper sort of encourages me.
This piece of timetable that has also been in my file ever since the first day of Sec Three. I know it was useless ever since we stepped up to Sec Four, but somehow I don't know why I couldn't bare to throw it away. It felt as if that this piece of paper was just part of my file and I can't throw it away. If I were to, then my file would seem missing of something. But I guess I was just too used for it to be the first piece of paper in my file. I used it to tell where was the front and back of the file you see.
This SS4 poster from Teenage mag I think. Amirah gave it to me when she bought a copy of that month that had Super Junior in it. And I guess I was one of her closer friends who liked Super Junior. Thank you Sweetie! And this poster stayed in my file for all the days of my life as a Sec Four ever since she gave it to me. Once in awhile when I get so tired from doing so much work in school, just take it out to peep at it for a bit before I go crazy from the workload. Oh and I remember I used to ask my friends, mostly guys though: "Ey I show you handsome boy." Then I take out the poster and point at Donghae... which usually results in them giving me the "You serious bro?" face.
And then not forgetting the drama in which Donghae filmed with Siwon. The drama that I used to look forward to watching every Monday, the drama that drove all Monday blues away. One of the OST composed by Donghae if my memory still serves me right was really good and its tune was often stuck in my head. Being annoyed at how I could only hum but not know the lyrics irritated me. So I took out a piece of foolscap and wrote down the lyrics. Then I couldn't bare to throw the paper away after memorising the lyrics. Hence........ I chucked it into my file and let it be a Permanent Resident of my file. Super Junior M's S.O.L.O (华丽的独秀).
So there you go, all these bits and pieces of my life, so seemingly small yet having much attachments to. So many times when I cleared my file and contemplate if I should remove all these from my file, but yet I couldn't bare to because they have slowly became a habit. If they weren't there, things wouldn't have felt right.
How much work did commonwealth give us? This is probably two-thirds of what I did in Sec Four. Left most pile is Additional Mathematics alone. Madness you would say. But I can't deny that without all these, an A1 for AMaths may not have been possible. Respect for Mrs Philip which helped nurtured a love for the subject that resulted in Hard Work and Sweat. That was what made us so driven. Honestly, I think that we did not need to do that much just to achieve an A1. But I have never regretted completing a single AMath paper neither will I complain about doing so much then. It was all worth it and I did them all willingly.
Maybe a keepsake to conclude my years in commonwealth..? Our batch held a school-wide Running Man.
How much have I changed? How much have I grown? How much have I matured? Above is a collage I did in request of Chewie if you ever find it familiar. She wanted me to do the #whatpubertydidtome challenge on insta. So being the usual lazy me, I'm too lazy to do another collage of all my four years in Commonwealth. But really, the above picture pretty much sums up the best times I had in my secondary school days. Going in chronological order from left to right: Sec 1 at Genting during the choir trip, Sec 2 at Commonwealth's auditorium during choir camp, Sec 3 at Singapore Poly Convention Centre after Éclat, Sec 3 at Taiwan's National Museum of Natural Science during a Multi-disciplinary trip, Sec 3 at bM's house 31 December retreat, Sec 4 at SOTA's backstage during choir concert C'est La Vie 2012, Sec 4 at ACJC Fun-O-Rama while queueing for some haunted house, Sec 4 at Lucas' house during 2/2 BBQ, Sec 4 at IMM's Swensen's during Teen Comm Handover/Appreciation/Step Down, 2013 at Commonwealth's hall after collecting our results, 2013 at some HDB near Clementi mall after ice skating with some 2/2 people, 2013 at Star Vista's Watami during meet up with some 4P people. And then looking back again, only to realise how time flew past so quickly.
Nonetheless, I thank God for putting so many caring seniors and batch mates from church in my life that even in times when I feel like giving up, they were always there to encourage me. They may send encouragements as a mass text to all their juniors, but still those messages never fail to warm my heart even if I look back today and see how the Lord has used them to give my weary soul some strength and comfort.
So let's go down the list and pick out some that really encouraged me.
Hannah Joy:
“Psalms 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." First paper right! :O I pray that even as you face this scary time, you will remember that it's up to God to grant what He will and our duty is just to make sure we are glorifying Him through everything He gives us :) not seeking what we want, but His glory only! (because all the glory of man is as the flower of grass which fadeth away.) all the best for your paper, make sure you have the right focus before taking it arh super important!!! Pray before going in!! Cannot fail spiritual exam :) God bless!! ”
Through her, God has reminded me that it is not only about O Levels that I'm taking up, but a spiritual exam that I'm taking up too. And more so, I cannot afford to fail the spiritual exam which was to trust in the Lord.
Ben Chong:
“HELLO peeeople who are taking O levels :D jiayou n study hard, ~21 days more towards it. But what I want to say is what is your ultimate reason for it all, you may study hard for it, do well and sit again for As or go poly. After awhile, onward to getting married, YAYAYY :D then live the rest of life with fun and torture and everything. Then our little life just passes away like billions of others... So is there any point in doing all this? therefore there must be always a good reason for doing things, n there is. So I just hope you guys found yours :) ”
Nice to know that a good old friend who although isn't in the same church as you still remembers you. :)
Eugene GeneGene:
“Hello Sec 4s! Hebrews 13:5c ...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Some of us may be feeling spiritually weary from the long periods of studying and missing out on church activities, but remember that our heavenly Father is always with us to tide us through and to give us stength. All we have to do is to pray more, have our QT, and go by faith. Have a blessed week ahead! ”
Only batch mate that didn't had to take Os with us cause he's doing IP. But nonetheless, thank God that He has made him a vessel and channel of blessing to us all, texting us verses as encouragements once a week, few weeks before Os. This one was just the week before Os started.
Have been texting Ian BFFL quite a lot during the last few weeks before Os cause I was really really all tensed up and didn't really know what to do. Started telling him about all my fearful What Ifs. And just one of the textes that encouraged me was:
“Doesn't matter!! Just put in your utmost effort either way!! And remember to pray! Praying for you too k bffl! ”
And then God sent Joshua Chan with this message:
“Hey, as o's start, i pray that you'll rmb to seek God FIRST, and not forsake Him! If you honour God, He will honour you, it's simple trust we should have(: God will not give you 1 mark more or less than what is best for you. So rmb to trust God knowing that He has the best plans for you(: praying for you! ”
There and then it struck me: Yes, God does what is best for me. He will not give me one mark more or one mark less than what is best for me. I just have to trust Him and honour Him, and lastly, just do my best for His glory. That is all that I have to do, and then leave the rest in His hands.
Maybe because having Joel as a brother, he knew when exactly were all the O Level things going on. And so on the day of results, he texted all his juniors (I suppose) again, that God will not give us anything that is less than the best for us, so we have to give thanks in everything and he will be keeping us in his prayers. Thank God for making use of him to constantly remind me of His goodness and grace.
Then he sent me another “Haha thank God la!(: tell me how much you got k? Do you get it at 2pm? ” One of the only few that I told my results to other than my family. Cause I did promise him to tell him my results anyway. Thankful for such a caring brother. Ha, did I mention that I ignored the rest of those who asked me for my results? Only texted those to asked me prior to the release of results, not those after the results. The reasons are rather obvious, figure it out yourself.
Oh and not forgetting my forever-QT-buddy-in-camp Foong Hui:
“Hey! Even as you collect your results soon, do remember that all things are in God's hands and do seek His will wisely in any choices that you consider and make (: Colossians 3:17 (KJV) And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. All the best! (: ”
As usual, reminders that I've already done what I've could, just leave the rest to God to decide for me.
All in all, it has been a really eventful year. So many Ups and so many Downs. Friends who came and go or stayed. I have made so much more bonds. I have seen so much more of humanity. And I have seen so much of God's hand working in my life, slowly moulding me. There were so many times when I failed Him, but he never failed to give me immediate deliverance whenever I called out to Him.
莽莽撞撞地走過了所謂的'16歲最艱難的時期'，雖然當時自己只有15歲。有起有落，但現在一回眼回味一下當年的時光，卻發現當時確實是人生中一段很充實的度過。回憶永遠總是惆悵的；愉快的，會使人覺得可惜已經完了，不愉快的，想起來還是傷心。但這卻是我們大家必進都得走的路。因為只有品嚐過這些艱難，才會更懂得珍惜後來的甘甜。
Shall end this post with a verse that have been through with me the whole of 2012, Proverbs 3:5-6, arguably my most favourite verses in the Bible.
No comments:
Post a Comment